It is Christmas Eve, and millions of Americans will sleep comfortably knowing that a Caucasian man bearing gifts will be paying their home a visit tonight.

“We just feel more comfortable having someone we can trust delivering the gifts,” said Nancy Shaw of Ohio, speaking on behalf of her white family. “You know, someone who will take the cookies and milk, but nothing else.” 

White Santa took over the position after the original, Inuit Santa, fell ill with smallpox, and he has been running the show ever since. Black Santa actually had a brief stint in the 1980s, but was quickly replaced by white Santa after having been arrested for home invasion too many times.

“Well he’s been doing the job for hundreds of years, why stop? Our family just thinks he’s a lot more qualified,” Shaw continued.

Echoing sentiments across the US, Shaw says she and her family will watch A Christmas Story before getting a good night’s rest under the watchful eye of a jolly, pale-skinned man.

“Our neighborhood is a very safe one, and we just don’t want to attract certain people, if you know what I mean. All I’m saying is, Santa’s sleigh is supposed to ring with jingle bells, not rap music.”

At press time, Shaw was explaining to her children how tomorrow they would celebrate the birth of the greatest white man to ever live.

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