CHARLESTON, SC--The nation united in shock and horror today after a Charleston County jury found white supremacist Dylann Roof guilty on thirty-three federal hate crimes charges. Such a display of competence and of respect for black lives that has irreparably shaken Americans' faith in their legal system's ability to utterly fuck things up.

"I'm beside myself," announced Jennifer Pinckney, wife of state senator and Roof victim Clementa Pinckney. "An American court just announced its intention to punish a violent and malicious racist for his crimes against African Americans and the very values we hold dear as a nation. This is not the America I grew up in. This is not the criminal justice system I know."

"I want to apologize to the entire country," said county prosecutor Will Bryant. "I know we have certain expectations when a man who killed defenseless African Americans comes to trial, and I know I have failed them. My ability to get an inhuman monster punished for his despicable acts is a stain on the reputation of South Carolina and that of our legal system, and I truly am sorry."

Despite this shocking event, sources confirmed that George Zimmerman is doing fine and recently sold the gun with which he killed a minor in said child's own neighborhood for a quarter of a million dollars.

(Image courtesy of CNN)