Bring your arms! Bring your legs! Send the legs and arms of a local firefighter! Gather the nearest lever, wheelbarrow, and man-sized bucket! Dangle a corn chip enticingly above our president to motivate him to GET UP! 

 

I understand that this particular president, this Trump character, may not be your president, but he is my boss, so come help him up! It is my duty as the presidential alert, the alert of the most presidential man of the land, to be the most helpful, most charismatic, most best alert! 

 

Why is no one coming? I am shouting from here in the tallest cellphone tower of all the land: COME PICK UP OUR PRESIDENT OFF THE FLOOR! Vultures are beginning to circle, and I’m getting worried because the vultures look a lot like Mike Pence! I am the presidential alert, not some garbage, least best vice presidential alert! 

 

HELP! The president has really fallen! He’s lying in the middle of the Oval Office, unconscious, barely breathing, whispers away from death — no, not really, that was a lie, but it got you excited, didn’t it? I think lies are probably okay, if they can get you to come help the president! I am still the most creative, most best alert! 

 

Isn’t it thrilling that you could be the hero of this story? Are you the hero of the United States of America who will finally pick up the president off of the floor? I expect you here in no less than three days, which is how long humans can survive on the floor! I researched this information all by myself because I am the most resourceful alert! 

 

ACTION IS NEEDED! This is not a test! If you do not come, I will not be the most best alert, but because I am the most best alert, you will come! I can and will alert you at 30 second increments until your GPS location matches that of the president! You can’t turn me off, and I can’t wait for you to get here! I’m so excited to meet you!