HANOVER, NH—In the wake of a campus-wide ban on hard liquor, reports have surfaced of bootleggers establishing numerous speakeasies, often using fraternity houses as fronts, across the campus of Dartmouth College.

“It’s a nightmare,” reported Dartmouth’s Director of Safety and Security, Harry C. Kinne. “This policy is turning average students into criminals, and literally anyone who has a car into a folk hero."

Control of vodka distribution has quickly fallen under the purview of a handful of prominent bootleggers affiliated with leading fraternities, such as Ridley E. “Machine Gun” Saltonstall-Harriman IV ’15 of Psi Upsilon, Abosede “Scarface” Ogunleye ’16 of Alpha Phi Alpha, and Jonathan “Bugsy” Davidowitz ’15 of Alpha Epsilon Pi. Violence has periodically broken out among the groups, with the most tragic occurrence being the Mardi Gras Massacre, in which seven of Ogunleye’s affiliates were invited to “come at me, bro!” by members of Sigma Phi Epsilon.

At press time, however, the situation was starting to improve, with Kinne’s department filing motions to prosecute the smugglers for fraternity dues evasion.