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From the Satire V Archive: Unwelcome Children Mysteriously Disappear from Vladimir Putin’s Primary School

While perusing its archives, Satire V found the following article in a 1960 edition of the Soviet newspaper Pravda.

On February 27, 1960, children in a Leningrad playground were shocked and horrified when their playmate, Boris Nazarov, disappeared in the middle of the jungle gym.

“One minute he was sliding down the communal slide, and the next minute a grown-up came between us and carried him away,” said his playmate, Anna Dimitriyev, sobbing into her babushka.

Heine-Turban Knowingly Violate Ukrainian Sovereignty

“Slap us in the cuffs. I’ll serve my time,” said Luke R. Heine ’17, an Undergraduate Council (UC) presidential candidate, laughing at the possibility of international sanctions.
 
Heine and Stephen A. Turban '17, the only entirely sophomore UC ticket for this year's election, have recently been accused by NATO of launching military incursions into the volatile Donetsk region of eastern Ukraine, and now face a $15 fine in addition to economic sanctions imposed by the European Union.
 

Poland: “It’s my time to shine”

The big day is finally here. Poland, who could hardly sleep last night from excitement, woke up early this morning, made itself its own breakfast of Cheerios (though adding banana proved too complicated) and was dressed and ready well before the bus was set to arrive. The occasion? The first stages of a Crimean conflict of course.

“This time I’m going to make the EU so proud of me,” boasted a gleaming Poland as it double-knotted its shoes and made sure to put on extra sunscreen. “It’s my time to shine.”