CUPERTINO, CA - Earlier today, Tim Cook shocked Apple aficionados and Geniuses alike by unveiling Apple's most revolutionary product to date, the iPhone XXX. The iPhone X, it seems, was merely a warm up act for one of the "greatest innovations of our time."

"We've disrupted every industry you can think of. Music, TV, news, telecom; the list goes on," Cook said. "It was about time we broke through to the one industry that accounts for over 20% of the time people actually spend on our devices, porn."

AMERICA – In an announcement expected to completely transform the landscape of the tech industry and beyond, Apple CEO Tim Cook has confirmed rumors that he is, in fact, a rich white man. Working in a business world plagued by women and minorities, Tim Cook stands out as a beacon of hope for affluent white males everywhere.