SatireV

Breaking

and entering

Straight Men Amirite

Whoever is the Voice in the Elevator Can Absolutely Get It

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Listen, I’ve ridden elevators hundreds of times, and never have I given it a second thought. I shuffle in, press the button for the thirteenth floor, stare at my shoes for 45 seconds, and go on my merry way.

But yesterday, in William James, everything changed when I noticed a smoky, disembodied voice coming from the corner -- an amorous timbre that set my heart aflame. It was an uneventful ride down from section until I got to the bottom of the shaft, the doors gave way, and I heard her croon the words every man longs to hear: “First floor. Main lobby.”