Hey America,

You probably don’t remember me. A lot of shit has gone down since we last talked. So here's a quick refresher: I ran for Vice President in 2004 and President in 2008. I really fit the bill: I was white, I was male, and I was generic-looking—like a Kennedy with less defined cheekbones.

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Sexual assault, every form of race-, class-, and gender-based discrimination, and all other campus woes were completely canceled this Friday morning as Dean of Harvard College Rakesh Khurana issued sanctions against single-sex organizations with the support of President Drew Faust.