1. Lying

Before you can reveal the truth, you must first lie about your potentially treasonous exchanges with foreign agents. You can’t ultimately claim to be transparent by Tweeting out smoking-gun emails if you don’t first lie about them for a year (at least).

2. Keep Lying

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Citing past examples including the DNC database and Donald Trump’s election victory, local high school freshman Jacob Carter explained to his parents that the browsing history on the family computer was the result of a Russian hack.

“Mom, Dad, trust me, I’m as astounded as you are,” Carter reportedly told his parents last night. “These sites are offensive and absurd, so typical of the Russians. They’re rigging the system against hard-working students like me. They're trying to subvert us from within!”