SatireV

Breaking

and entering

Whore-o-scopes March 16 – March 23

http://www.0800-horoscope.com/images/placeholder/300x250.jpg

The Freshman: If you decided to go and help starving children, or take an archaeology class in Greece over break to boost your résumé, a mysterious foreigner is about to meet the headboard of your hostel bunk. Just don’t forget to give your bunkmates the common courtesy of a five-minute warning. If you are still on campus watch out for that one other person in your friend group – they’re desperate for human contact. Without distractions love will flourish, but watch out because you are going to starve this week and may need to conserve those precious calories.  

The BU Biddy: All of that partying can be tiring, and more importantly most of Harvard’s sports teams and prestigious clubs will be abroad this spring break. I see a fabulous trip to Panama City Beach or some tropical locale in your future. You might not remember everything that happened, but you will come back tan, which will put you way ahead of all the Harvard rugs who stayed pale in Boston’s cold.

The Final Club Biddy: With final clubs out on vacation you have a few potential options for your Spring Break. Either you will be traveling with your own final club in a sort of abroad mixer, which means your week will pretty much be the same but with piña coladas, or you will sleep for a week straight to make up for the fact that you haven’t slept all semester. Either way you will be in bed for most of vacation.

The Newly-Out Biddy: This is your first spring break away from your small southern town and you are going to make up for lost time! If you’re in a singing group or the Pudding then things may get scandalous over your spring break trips. Your love connections may start some drama, or if they don’t be prepared to support the friends who did. To those of you still on campus I suspect you will find a cold weather buddy who is about to join the newly out club.

The Freshman Boy: I’m going to get real with you here for a minute. You have no prospects…usually. With most of the final clubs, sports teams, and artistic groups out of town on vacation, now is literally one of the only chances you will have to talk to that girl in your entryway you’ve been secretly crushing on for the entire year. I’m serious. Go hang out with her and whoever is left in your entryway. After that you may be one dorm-room movie away from actually getting some.

Final Club Man-Ho:  Jason Derulo’s “Talk Dirty” is your anthem this spring break. You have seen much of Boston’s female population and your spring break trip going to be filled with all sorts of new biddies. The only difference in your game play is that you shouldn’t append your club’s name to your introduction, no one knows what it is where you’re going – you’re stuck with just “Harvard” but that’s plenty. My advice: don’t overdo it on the shots or you won’t get a raise and will be unable to live up to your full man-ho’ing potential.

The Isawyouharvard Poster: Chances are very high that you see that golden post of the Harvard couple looking to add a third for a “night of fun” over spring break. But watch out and make sure you ask for pics first, no need to repeat past mistakes.  Keep an eye out for that cutie working at Lamont Café; they’re working over spring break, which means they having nothing better than to do than you.

The Thesis Writer: What are you doing? Thesising. Not anymore! You have been so incredibly stressed, and with all that tension built up something is about to blow. It will likely be you. I see several quickies in your future – there’s nothing like scientifically verified post-thesis coitus to take the edge off. Keep an eye out for your fellow thesisers, they are totally DTF and won’t mind your thesis-induced PTSD. 

XX

 

-Your Favorite SatireV Astrologist/Mystic

© 2014
Category: