Deval City, MA—Speaking from behind the wall of his snow fort in Boston Common, Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick announced the re-establishment of the vehicle ban instated during the last winter storm. “As of this very second,” Patrick announced “any non-emergency services driver found on Massachusetts roads will be subject to fines of not less than $15,000 or 10 years imprisonment. Predator drones are being deployed to deal with any drivers that are moving too fast to be safely pulled over.” The assembled reporters asked how they would be able to get home from the press conference the Governor had called, at which point Patrick began throwing snowballs at the crowd.

            “I’m very concerned for Deval,” said Senator Mo Cowan (D-MA), a longtime friend of the Governor, “he’s holed himself up in this section of the park that he’s declared the new capital and renamed after himself. He’s holding his secretary and three snowmen that appear to be wearing Mitt Romney, Elizabeth Warren, and Barney Frank Halloween masks. Maybe the power’s finally gotten to his head.” After being hit by a snowball lobbed further than expected from the direction of Fort Patrick, Cowan added “all this snow can’t be helping either.”

            As of press time, New Hampshire Governor Mary Hassan had rejected Patrick’s ultimatum that she change the state bird from the Purple Thrush to the Black-Capped Chickadee, and the Massachusetts National Guard was being prepared for war.