Muskegon, MI—Expressing moderate satisfaction with how his day is going, local man Brett Thurman, 32, confirmed to reporters this Thursday that he had no idea it was the best day of his life. “Yeah, I had some leftover pot pie for lunch,” the local accountant reported with mild enthusiasm, apparently unaware that today is the day he will look back on years from now, wondering where it all went wrong.

“A bunch of people from the office are going down to O’Malley’s later,” Thurman said, referring to the local dive bar that he will frequent with increasing regularity as his life starts to spin out of control, “I might even play a round of darts or two.” “I hope Colin [Malloy] from sales is going,” Thurman added about his colleague of two years, whom he will one day think of as the only true friend he ever had, “either way, it’s no big deal because my birthday is next month, and that’s going to be a killer time, I’m sure.”

At press time, Thurman reportedly turned down a half price ticket offer at his local cinema, as he had to pick up his roommate from the airport.