ALEXANDRIA, VA – Upon realizing today that, Jesus H. Christ, he is already three years older than his grandparents when they married, local 23-year-old Josh Keegan has downloaded the popular hookup app Tinder for the fourth time.

 

"I mean, holy shit, when she was my age, Nana had already given birth to Aunt Linda," Keegan reported as he hastily deleted "[Aquarius emoji], if you care about that sort of thing" from his bio. "Obviously it was a different time, but damn, I don't think I've even been on a date since Kelsey."

 

"Like, I'm not gonna find my soulmate," Keegan clarified, expanding his location and age ranges to 25 miles and 18-34 years, and slipping in a photo of himself with a less-handsome friend at a Wizards game. "But still...fuck. Twenty fucking years old."

 

At press time, Keegan could be seen deleting the app after his second-most-attractive coworker laughed at a joke he told.