“Sure, it was a little more colorful than usual,” said Tommy of the firetruck, “but I just assumed they were spicing things up for the holidays.”

 

After boarding the firetruck, the company executive reportedly sipped his morning latte and avoided eye contact with the veteran firefighters in the front seat, ignoring orders to “get off the truck” and “stop sitting on [my] lap.” When questioned, Tommy attributed these distractions to the behavior of what he referred to as “crazy bus people.”

 

Following the arrival of the firetruck at a flaming building in Brookline, Tommy reportedly followed firefighters off the vehicle into the fiery abyss. 

 

“Next thing I knew,” he said, “I was running out of the place with a baby in my arms. Pretty crazy stuff.”

 

Tommy, who arrived at his SatireV interview via Duck Tour, is to be hailed as a hero in a local ceremony tomorrow according to fire department officials. He will be presented with the Golden Hose for his efforts.

 

“I should make this mistake every morning!” Tommy joked to the press as he squinted at a passing ambulance. “Is that my bus?” 

 

Slacker firefighter Jack Thompson, who spent his Wednesday morning attending board meetings, did not save any babies.