by Larry Bacow

Dear Members of the Harvard Community,

Our campus has long been host to lively debates around the most pressing social issues of our time. Indeed, we are proud that our students engage freely in the exchange of ideas. On Saturday, hundreds of protesters rushed the field of the annual Harvard-Yale game to demand that we divest our endowments from the fossil fuel industry. 

Though I recognize their bravery, I cannot help but ask: Wouldn’t underwater football be like, so bitching?

By Drew Gilpin Faust

Dear Members of the Harvard Community, 

Many of you have heard about an incident that occurred Thursday morning in lower Manhattan involving interactions between the The Goldman Sachs Group, Inc. and an esteemed university president. Many of you are understandably confused. You do not yet know all the facts. So let me tell you one: I will be able to fill an Olympic-sized swimming pool with Sacagawea coins and use the leftovers to buy a Six-Flags water slide.

By Drew Faust

Dear Members of the Harvard Community, 

As many of you know, today I accepted a job sitting on the Board of Directors at Goldman Sachs. Subsequently, I have received much criticism for supposedly contradicting my statements that condemned the current state of the financial system in the United States. 

For example, I have noted that the financial crisis took a significant toll on so many, including members of our own community. But, if it makes you feel any better, I’m getting paid a fuckton amount of money. 

DAYTON, TENNESSEE -- In a shocking turn of events this Monday, populist presidential candidate William Jennings Bryan reanimated and dug his way out of his prison beneath the earth after hearing of the recent success of populist ideology in the 2016 presidential election.

WASHINGTON, D.C. ­– Unable to suppress her excitement, a giddy Secretary Hillary Clinton sat before the Select Committee on Benghazi Thursday to give a testimony once again on the September 11, 2012 attacks, a day after Vice President Joe Biden announced that he would not seek the 2016 Democratic nomination for President. On Thursday morning, Clinton was dropped off at the site of the hearing by a party bus rented just the night before.

Cambridge, MA—Last week former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made headlines when she ordered a burrito bowl at a Maumee, Ohio Chipotle and no one recognized her.

In advance of his speech at the JFK Jr. Forum today, former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley stopped by Qdoba in Harvard Square and also went unrecognized.

“I thought I’d surprise the everyday Americans of Harvard Square, just like Secretary Clinton did,” said the soon-to-be Democratic presidential candidate, O’Malley.

As the leadership of the Harvard Undergraduate Council prepares for its semesterly meeting with University President Drew Gilpin Faust, the Office of the President confirmed that Faust will "beat UC ass." 

Speaking through a plastic mouthguard, President Faust reminded students that "you are exshpendable, little piecshes of shit.  Shuckle at my teat, vermin."  

From the Desk of President Drew Gilpin Faust:

Members of the Administration, Resident Deans, and the Faculty,

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.