ST. LOUIS, MO — After a record 22 hours of gratitude, Brandon L. Peters ’20 has returned to being deeply ungrateful for everything his parents have done for him.

“God, all that thankfulness was exhausting,” said Peters, lying on the couch that his mother purchased, eating the leftovers that his father cooked, and reclining under the blanket that his mother knitted. “I’m just relieved that this is only a once-a-year thing.”

SUNNY SPRINGS, VT — A cloud of chaos has been cast over the once sleepy suburb of Sunny Springs as Uncle Sam’s Supermarket blindsided its shoppers today with an earth-shattering decision to change the store’s floor plan. Refusing to sit idly by as their town plunges into darkness, angry local parents decided to boycott the supermarket and form picket lines in front of the family establishment.

Storeowner ‘Uncle’ Sam Sims offered his rationale for the change. “All I did was rearrange a few aisles and expand the greeting card section. I don’t get it.”

By Your Best Friend

After two years of rooming with Jason C. Lambert, David T. Wang was disappointed to learn that Lambert’s parents were still divorced.