By Febreeze

Dear Jim, 

I have always been your biggest fan. I have stuck by you for ten years. I have watched you in your bedroom and helped you keep your cool. I never left you, even during some heated situations.

But then you decided to purchase an air conditioner, and I was blown away. A few days after you bought it, you began to only use me at night. I deserve more than that. 

Hi guys, Dean Khurana here. Look, we can all agree that Final Clubs are bad. Just one of the worst things about Harvard.

By Russian Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary, Sergey I. Kislyak

So FIRST I had to get over the fact that Jeff Sessions pretended not to know me during his congressional hearing. (Like, seriously? We spent an entire weekend hunting dangerous game together in the Caucasus Mountains, and you're just gonna act like we're not even friends?)  

By Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Alright. Listen up, you liberal young folk, concerned editorialists, and Facebook crusaders.  I get the point. You guys all think I look old. Oh please. I’m ship-shape, better than ever, and I’m not going anywhere. 

I have degrees from Columbia, Harvard, and Oxford. I have clerked for two Supreme Court Justices. I have served on the U.S. Court of Appeals Tenth Circuit for ten years. But no matter how hard I try, I can’t get laser beams to shoot out of my eyes.

I thought I was safe when it had been about 30 minutes since the start of class and no one had sat on me yet. Finally, I was going to get a brief respite from my eternal torment of being an official Harvard University ass-cushion. Then I saw you, you cheeky little fucker. 

So, funny story. I’m finishing off a stellar round of mahjong in my office this morning, when Linda comes in to tell me that one of my constituents called urging me to speak out against President Trump’s immigration ban. And turns out it’s you! You called! Which is wild because we haven’t talked in, I don’t know, like eight months?