My fellow citizens:

For years our state has watched hundreds of thousands of the most vulnerable among us fail to get the nutrition they need to have economically productive lives. These socioeconomically deprived residents of some of Michigan's most diverse communities have subsisted on subpar food and drink, sorely lacking in important micronutrients.

On behalf of the entire government of Michigan, I am excited to reveal that we have already taken the first steps toward rectifying this injustice. For the past several months, we have carried out a tap-water fortification program in one of our most economically underperforming cities that has brought vital minerals straight into thousands of underprivileged households. The program is still in its pilot phase but, a few misplaced worries notwithstanding, seems to be going quite well.

In unrelated news, the Michigan Department of Education has announced revisions to school nutrition standards. Public-school principals should expect to receive promotional materials for the new standards, featuring the slogan “Lead: A Groovy Part of a Balanced Diet.” My interns have informed me that schoolchildren will find the cartoon mascot Larry the Lead Llama “cooler than Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton” and “bae af.”

Thank you, and God bless the great state of Michigan.

Go Wolverines,

Rick Snyder

Governor of Michigan

Image source: Office of Governor Rick Snyder/Wikimedia