I sacrificed my one and only son for YOUR sins, and this is how you repay me??? I let it slide when you started combining pizza and pineapple, and didn’t even mind when Lays created a chicken and waffle flavored chip. In fact, I nearly support chicken fries. But this, this complete mockery of the earth I so lovingly created for you, is where I put my foot down.  

Look, I’m not saying I don’t appreciate innovation, but really? Oats???? Like just on a physical level I don’t even understand how you managed to harvest a liquid from a grainy seed. And I’m the omniscient God. With a capital G. 

When I flooded the earth and ordered Noah to save humanity and all that, oat milk was not part of that plan. There were so many milk-producing animals on that ark. 

And honestly, how have you so exhausted the demand for milk that you ever start to reach for oats? Milk isn’t even that great a drink! It’s kind of just a chunky water with more vitamins and minerals. But y’all are drinking so much you use oats to produce it? ???

To make matters worse, you humans didn’t even stop at oat!!!! There’s soy milk, hemp milk, cashew milk, rice milk, flax milk, and almond milk. Coconut milk I’ll allow- that one’s on me. It was too obvious.