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Even I Can’t Mask the Stench of Your Desperation and Regret Any Longer!!!

Me, fed up with your bullshit.

By Febreeze

Okay, listen up, Stacey. Sure, I’m not flashy like those scented candles you lit instead of re-gifting like a normal person. But what I do have is a body of steel, and I’ve put in the work to clean up YOUR bullshit for the last 10 years. A spritz here, a splash there, and I cleaned up your fucking life with my Hawaiian Aloha©. I’ve not just masked but actually eliminated the odor of all your shit (without any artificial fragrances!!!). I am DAMN good at my job, but even I can’t mask the smell of desperation and regret that has built up in this disgusting dorm room!!!

After First-Chance Dance, I thought you would fucking figure your shit out! That night was just one regret after another that stunk up the whole place. You bet your skinny ass I was pissed, but I spritzed the shit out of your Rubinoff-scented disappointment, only to see you go back to your foul ways! Now there’s always the lingering smell of desperation from Kong at 3am, or residual regret from your wild nights at The Porcupine or whatever the fuck that club is called.

I kept trying to use the scents of the Hawaiian summertime to remind you of how clean and easy life used to be. But just like that sick medieval porno you keep watching says, “winter is coming,” and I can’t keep bringing summer back!!! I come with a lifetime guarantee, but not even Mr. Clean could wipe off a clean slate for your mistakes.

Frankly, Stacey, I’m on my last few drops of patience. I can’t clean up your fucking messes anymore!!!! Find some other aerosol to do your dirty work – I QUIT!!!!

© 2017
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