WASHINGTON, DC—After a 13 hour shift of monitoring the personal data of millions of Americans, veteran NSA Agent, Donald Burkenheim agrees that you definitely shouldn’t have sent that double text.

Since the passage of the PATRIOT Act, Agent Burkenheim has been surveying citizens’ private communications as a counterintelligence effort to combat terrorist cells, but in his 16 years of service, he has not once seen a text as pathetic as the one that you just sent.

[REDACTED], USA - In response to the premature end of an annual agency tradition started in 2008, Commander Ad. Michael Rogers confirmed today that the eighth NSA Secret Santa has once again been ruined by the NSA. 

Spokane, Washington—Working out of a trailer in the woods a quarter-mile from I-90, 31-year-old Tracey Hopkins frantically attempted to draw a connection between the deadly Boeing 777 crash in San Francisco and the unfolding NSA scandal. Within minutes of hearing about the crash on Twitter, Hopkins had begun to listen in on dozens of HAM radio channels and dig through technology forums in order to find clues.

Edward Snowden, a former NSA contractor, sacrificed everything to reveal secret government data gathering programs.  Now, after spending a week in the Moscow International Airport, he has broken his silence regarding his life of fear and exile.

“A life of fear is not for me,” said Snowden, chewing on a soft pretzel from Bunska Pretzel, Moscow Airport’s premier pretzel shop. “No, no I can have a long, fulfilling life in this airport.”