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In Bold Move, Mom Calls You First on Her Birthday

A mother on the phone.
COLUMBUS, OH – In a move that is sending shock waves throughout your immediate family, Mom preemptively called you before you could call her on her birthday.
 
Although you intended to call to wish her a happy birthday after class ended at 3 pm– a seemingly reasonable time– reports indicate that your phone buzzed at 10:30 am, an hour before you had planned on waking up.
 

Area Man Doesn't Win Nobel Prize, Disappointing Mom Again

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a move anticipated by the scientific community, local student Aidan Smith once again failed to win any of the Nobel prizes awarded in Stockholm last week, the latest in a series of disappointments for his mother. Despite being raised perfectly well, Aidan also has not received any Nobel prizes in any of the past several years, a trend of mediocrity that dates back to 1995, the year of his birth.

Why Call Me When You Could Just Post a Picture of Us on a Social Media Platform I Don’t Use?

Dear Child,

Today is that special day that comes around once every year when you honor me for growing a person - you - inside my stomach for nine months and then hatching you in a 21-hour-long ordeal. My body will never be the same after breastfeeding you until you were 42 months old (that’s three and a half, in case you forgot), and you want to thank me for that.