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“Third Time’s the Charm,” Hillary Clinton Mutters While Staring Placidly into Mirror

CHAPPAQUA, NY: Standing in the bathroom of her Westchester residence, Hillary Clinton was overheard in an attempt at positive manifestation, chanting, “I’m going to become president,” and muttering to no one in particular that “there’s no one who can stop me.” Staring at her own reflection in the polished metal, the 71-year-old politician concluded the tired monologue by trailing off with the words, “third time’s the charm…”

Bill to Hillary: "I'll Take It From Here"

CHAPPAQUA, NY -– Former president Bill Clinton has told his wife, Hillary, that he will quietly take over her presidential bid, with Senator Bernie Sanders continuing to put up a strong fight for the Democratic nomination.

“Hillary’s done a great job so far,” he said. “However, when we win the nomination, the race for the presidency will really heat up, and we won’t be able to afford to slip-ups like Michigan in the general,” he added.