In an effort to speed up the notoriously slow pace of the game, Major League Baseball recently announced some changes to its pace of play rules, such as mandating that batters keep at least one foot in the batter’s box, timing pitching changes, a quickly returning to play after TV commercials. MLB hopes this will alleviate its increasing average game length in order to attract and retain more viewers. 

Harvard lingo is sometimes hard to pick up on. Below, Satire V has provided a list of common phrases you'll hear on campus and what they really mean.

I'm too busy to hang out.

I want to spend the next three hours on buzzfeed hating myself.

We should get a meal sometime soon. 

Let’s never get a meal.

I’m just too busy to have a relationship. 

I am too busy until I find someone that can meet my incredibly high standards. 

Cambridge, MA--Harvard College has been rocked by sectarian violence in the aftermath of Housing Day, a holy day for many who attend the college. Taking effect next year, a Freshman Dean's Office-Ad Board joint treaty will divide members of the freshman class into more "sustainable" boundaries, letting close ethnic blocking groups share portions of lands surrounding the Yard--the College's shared central region. Some groups feel, however, that they were given less valuable lands for no apparent reason. 

CAMBRIDGE, MA--- This Sunday, the Harvard Office of Transportation And Parking officially launched an initiative to expand shuttle routes to include a “safe, convenient, and reliable” passage to the eternal fires of Hades.

According to M2 administrators, the Winthrop shuttle, which already operates every fortnight under the blood-red moon, was the logical candidate for the route extension.

On Monday Martha Coakley suffered yet another loss as former Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick was chosen as the speaker for Harvard’s 364th  Commencement despite Coakley’s bid for the position.

“I give up. I just give up,” said Coakley, who recently lost a bid for Massachusetts Governor and in 2010 lost a special election to fill Ted Kennedy’s U.S. Senate seat. “I’m starting to think this stuff just isn’t my forte.”

Cambridge, MA—Following two weeks of numerous frantic calls and e-mails from professors, teaching fellows, and weirdly enthusiastic undergraduates, the Faculty of Arts and Sciences’ Committee on Sexual Misconduct Policies made a statement today that the ban on student-faculty sexual relationships announced this month “obviously” didn’t apply to professors with tenure.

Cambridge, MA--According to a recent email sent out to the students, faculty, and staff, Katie Lapp, Executive Vice President of Harvard University, is currently trapped underneath a large puddle in Harvard Square.

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Sam Seward ‘16, a Government concentrator in Quincy House, shocked the Harvard campus today when he announced that he has no political ambitions.

“Not even state senator,” said Seward, standing in front of a crowd of reporters and passers-by who caught wind of the announcement. “I just like political science. From a purely academic standpoint.”

Seward’s announcement amazed and confused onlookers. To some, though, it came as a pleasant surprise.

Thursday, Harvard sophomore Sarah Schultz, taking advantage of the recently confirmed FERPA (the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act), which grants enrolled students the right to request admissions records, received her marked college essay and Harvard application and was intrigued to find them just covered in drawings of dicks. 

Cambridge, MA—“This is like, a decent amount of snow. I mean, not crazyyyy or anything, but there is a lot on the sidewalks,” conceded Becca, a sophomore from Montana, who had earlier scoffed on Tuesday of shopping week about how the school closes down “for anything.” Becca is one of many students from mountainous regions along the Rockies or in Alaska who on this, our third snowday of the semester, are begrudgingly admitting that the amount of snow in Boston right now is at least mildly impressive.