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Harvard

Freshman Narrowly Prevents Parents Seeing Beer-Filled Room

Jacob P. Rocha ’19 narrowly managed to avoid showing his parents his beer-filled dorm room this Parents Weekend, maintaining their belief that the 18-year-old freshman has yet to ever consume alcohol.

Parent Has Forgotten Name of Freshman Child

Cambridge, MA—At the opening of Freshman Parents’ Weekend on Friday, local parent Elizabeth Hermann forgot the name of her son, Jordan Hermann ’19.

“Hi there, um, Greg?” she said upon meeting her 19-year-old child next to the parents’ welcome booth.

When Jordan corrected her mistake, she replied, “Oh, of course. Of course. It’s crazy, I’m meeting so many new people, it’s so hard to keep track.” She went on to explain to her offspring that he looked so different from his Facebook photo.

Student Asks Professor to Faculty Dinner “Just As Friends”

CAMBRIDGE, MA--In an occurrence that sources are describing as even more awkward than his recent request for an extension 9 hours before a paper was due, local undergraduate Noah Richardson '18 is reported to have asked his SLS 20 professor, Dr. Daniel Gilbert, to the Dunster House Faculty Dinner "just, like, as friends."

Executive Vice President Katie Lapp Trapped Under Pile of Leaves

Cambridge, MA—According to a recent email sent out to students, faculty, and staff, Harvard University executive vice president Katie Lapp has been trapped in a pile of leaves.

Sugar, Spice, Everything Nice: These Are Ingredients for Rakesh Khurana

THE CITY OF TOWNSVILLE-- In an attempt to create the "perfect little girls," local mad scientist Professor Utonium mixed sugar, spice, and everything nice. But after omitting the mysterious "Chemical X," Utonium discovered that he had instead created Dean of Harvard College and Marvin Bower Professor of Leadership Development, Rakesh Khurana.
 
"I was always wondering what would happen if I left out 'Chemical X,'" said Utonium. "Who knew that I had in my hands the key ingredients for one of the world's leading scholars of organizational and leadership theory."

After Hazing Policy, CS50 To Immediately Drop PSet 4

CAMBRIDGE, MA-- Last Friday evening, all CS50 students received an email reminding them that CS50 does not haze. The email, required by both Massachusetts state law and the OSL, must be sent out by every organization to remind their members that hazing is not permitted.

Faust Attends Stat 104 Office Hours for Help with Sexual Climate Survey Results

 
Saying that she was "deeply disturbed" by the results of a sexual conduct climate survey administered by the Association of American Universities last spring, Harvard President Drew Gilpin Faust reportedly visited Statistics 104 office hours this past weekend for guidance. 
 

Harvard University Endowment Gains Sentience

Following a 5.8% return on Harvard University’s endowment for fiscal 2015, bringing total assets to $37.6 billion, university officials have announced that the endowment has begun to show signs of consciousness. Harvard’s endowment has long been the largest of any university in the world, but until now it has lacked self-awareness, an experience of subjectivity, and the ability to feel pleasure or pain.

Delphic Club will close indefinitely rather than integrate

In a surprise to many the Delphic Club announced Friday that it would close indefinitely rather than be forced to accept a co-ed class of punches.  Standing in a seersucker suit outside the Delphic clubhouse, Grad Board President Harry F. Byrd Sr. ’52 expounded on his new policy of “Massive Resistance.” Byrd explained that the Delphic had a “storied legacy from J.P.

BREAKING: Lowell Bell Ringers Learn New Song

Cambridge, MA--After twenty fucking years of playing the same goddamn shit, Harvard's illustrious Lowell Bell Ringers have learned a new song.

"Though we really love butchering 'Lord of the Dance' to the point of unrecognizablity,we decided there are other obscure biblical hymns out there to disturb the peace of the day with," explained sophomore and inconsiderate asshole James Russell.

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