CAMBRIDGE, MA - With news disseminating across campus that a bomb threat had been received by Harvard administrators, many students felt scared, nervous, and unsure where to turn. Although law enforcement evacuated several buildings in the Yard, residents of the Radcliffe Quadrangle claim to have felt largely ignored during the commotion.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Things went awry in Greenough 208 last Friday, when a freshman, prompted by the newly instituted HUPD Escort Service, mistakenly extended the duties of a HUPD officer to include those of a gigolo. 

Tired from the Friday night Freshman Wander, Michael Rajcock ’19 decided to resort to an alternative source of entertainment. Thoroughly prepared after a series of purchases from CVS, he made the phone call. Unsuspecting HUPD officer Bill Joe, answered, but was nowhere near as ready. 

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Harvard’s campus was rocked earlier this morning by bomb threats that caused several of the campus's main buildings to be closed and many classes to be cancelled.

However, the threats did not stop known section kid Chris Jefferson ’17 from pursuing his rigorous course of study. Jefferson swiftly took matters into his own hands as, ten minutes into his Organic Chemistry section, the Science Center was evacuated and Jefferson’s TF advised his class to exit the building.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Students aren’t the only ones with performance anxiety this time of year. The ongoing argument between Professors David Malan and N. Gregory Mankiw over whose is bigger is heating up during the weeklong period between their two midterms. Attempts to compare and determine whose is larger, better endowed, and overall more sought after have taken an aggressive turn.

Cambridge, MA – To the shock of many students and administrators,  Dean of Harvard College Rakesh Khurana announced yesterday that he had auditioned to be an Eleganza model.

“I’ve actually been considering the career move to modeling for quite some time now,” Khurana admitted, citing his flourishing Instagram account for giving him the “confidence and self-assurance” to fulfill his life-long goal of taking to the runway.

CAMBRIDGE, MA-- Inspired by student-initiated discussion of mental health in regard to the "Harvard Condition” and previously successful “Pet Therapy” fairs, Harvard held its first semi-annual Human Therapy Fair in the Science Center Plaza last Friday.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – As a result of the closure of Kirkland House Dining Hall and subsequent relocation of House Residents to Winthrop, estranged linkmates Sarah Johnson ’17 and James Caldwell ’17 were forced to encounter each other for the first time in 11 months.  After accidentally making eye contact across the Red Spice Chicken in the servery, the pair decided to spend the next hour “catching up.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Sources in the FDO have recently confirmed the worrying rumors that Harvard College Dean of Freshmen Thomas A. Dingman ‘67 has now been wearing the same “Sexy SWAT Officer” costume for upwards of 60 hours without displaying any willingness to change into street clothes or to break character.

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- A month ago, the Crimson’s released “Class of 2019: By the Numbers.” The start of freshman year can be a turbulent time, so SatireV polled the freshman class once more to see what has changed since opening days.

Class Makeup and Admissions