O fair citizens of Harvard Yard!
O munificent donors in woolen garb!
I am but a poor, mumps-ridden wretch, but today is a blessed day for me and all who congregate at this educational institution!

Gaze at the faire chair setup! Look upon the beauteous banners! Attune your ears to the lilting lutes on this luscious lawn! How sweet to be here on this morn!

Come one, come all! Rejoice in the festivities for our dearest, fearlessest leader!

Do not dawdle, make haste!

CAMBRIDGE – The faculty and staff of the Harvard College Writing Program announced today that not a single first-year had enrolled in a section of Expository Writing 20 entitled “Anomalies of Soybean Germination” despite its anticipated popularity.

Greetings, esteemed connoisseurs:

The Harvard College Wine Society is opening its application for another semester of bourgeois fun. Please complete the following application by September 14 at 11:59pm. 

NOTE: While some of you may consider wine consumption fundamental your college experience, unfortunately, like many other organizations, our capacity is limited. To maximize your chances of acceptance, note that we admit applicants based on enthusiasm, size of wine cellar at home, and yearly trips to Napa Valley. 

CAMBRIDGE, MA – An ongoing investigation against Harvard University has revealed that the university admits more lobsters than Asian Americans.

As of the “College Beach Bash” last Sunday, 6500 lobsters had been admitted to Harvard College, thanks to extensive efforts to recruit applicants from underrepresented regions like Cape Cod. Contrast this to the mere 1,300 Asian American undergraduates at the College – a roughly 5:1 ratio of crustaceans to Asian Americans.

By Drew Gilpin Faust

Dear Members of the Harvard Community, 

Many of you have heard about an incident that occurred Thursday morning in lower Manhattan involving interactions between the The Goldman Sachs Group, Inc. and an esteemed university president. Many of you are understandably confused. You do not yet know all the facts. So let me tell you one: I will be able to fill an Olympic-sized swimming pool with Sacagawea coins and use the leftovers to buy a Six-Flags water slide.

By Drew Faust

Dear Members of the Harvard Community, 

As many of you know, today I accepted a job sitting on the Board of Directors at Goldman Sachs. Subsequently, I have received much criticism for supposedly contradicting my statements that condemned the current state of the financial system in the United States. 

For example, I have noted that the financial crisis took a significant toll on so many, including members of our own community. But, if it makes you feel any better, I’m getting paid a fuckton amount of money.