By the Crimson Editorial Board

CAMBRIDGE, MA — After a harrowing ordeal this past Friday, Timmy R. Simon was devastated to learn that he was the ranked quite low on the friendship pecking order after being forced to walk behind his other four friends as the sidewalk narrowed along Mass Ave.

“One second we were cruising,” Simon recounted, “and then all of a sudden two trash cans and a tree appeared out of nowhere. Almost instantaneously I found myself alone as the rest of the dudes fell into perfect square formation.”

by Anti-Sex Week Columnist

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- On Tuesday Carl Honenberg ’20 RSVP’ed “going” on Sex Week’s "Talk Dirty to Me" event, letting every one of his Facebook friends know, once and for all, that he definitely "fucks."

“I was pretty sure Carl fucks,” roommate Andrew Yaeger commented yesterday. “He basically never stops talking about 'them chicks,' but it’s good that Sex Week has given me truly concrete opportunity to know that Carl unquestionably fucks.” 

DUNSTER HOUSE — This fall’s punch presents the Harvard community with an unmatched opportunity for an enriched education: against all odds and sanctions, a new sophomore blocking group has reported featuring at least one member from all six all-male final clubs. 

By: Boaz Barak (instructor), Brain Sapozhnikov (Head TF), Albert Chalom, Alexis Ross, Charles O’Mara, Larry Bacow, Barak Obama, Barack Obama, Alan Turing, David Malan, David MalNAND, Bonnie from Lev, Mark Zuckerberg (Extension TF), Ivanka Trump (Patel Fellow)

Hi all,

Many students have asked why the quizzes, problem sets, and midterm have been so NP-hard to NP-complete. Well I NAND'd the numbers and their prefix-free encodings, and it appears that the function mapping your CS121 performance to a good grade is actually uncomputable.

Cambridge, MA—In a crushing blow to the world’s premier research institution, Harvard’s new university-wide printing network—officially designated as “CrimsonPrint”— has been ranked 1,322 by US News and World Report.

According to the authors, Harvard scored zero on nearly all of the reports metrics, and would have likely scored lower had it not been for grade inflation. 

STONE HALL— In a move that shocked her dozing roommate, sleeptalker Eleanor S. Reiner ’20’s nighttime musings turned from that boy Jon in her Hist and Lit section to the environmentalism and anti-war stance of the Green Party of the United States (GPUS).