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PETA Condemns Students Punching the Owl

An owl getting punched.
PETA commissioned this billboard that will appear on Mt. Auburn Street.
CAMBRIDGE, MA – Responding to recent controversy on the university’s campus, animal rights advocacy organization PETA publicly condemned Harvard students for punching the Owl.
 
The controversial practice dates back to the late 1700s, when students seeking sadistic release from the stress of Harvard life created Punch Week, a week dedicated to the brutal bludgeoning of the Owl, Phoenix, and Fox. Some of the university's most famous alumni—including John F. Kennedy and Franklin D. Roosevelt—partook in the annual festivities, many using just their bare hands in the bloodthirst frenzy of fisticuffs. In a 1912 op-ed published by the Harvard Crimson, modernist poet T.S. Eliot, a yearly puncher of the Fox, wrote that he preferred to use a 14th Century spiked flail “to beat the living shit out of that sneaky bastard.”
 
In July, Harvard University announced a plan to ban the all-male punch tradition in attempt to make campus life more inclusive. The university stated it would not condone the exclusion of any student based on gender, and that if any groups wanted to continue the violent ritual of Owl, Phoenix, and Fox punching, they would have to do so as co-ed organizations.
 
“The Owl is a precious creature—it has experienced population decline as a result of over-punching and is on the verge of becoming a near-threatened species,” PETA spokesperson Samantha Perez explained. Perez continued to denounce the participants’ "barbaric and immature" behavior, suggesting that Punch Week participants destress by going to "normal parties" and "getting blackout drunk like responsible adults."
 
At press time Perez clarified PETA’s position that Fly punching is perfectly acceptable, and even encouraged, since those “annoying little fuckers have it coming.”

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