CAMBRIDGE, MA—Area screwup Tiffany Park ’19 was reportedly seen smiling after demonstrating her utter worthlessness on her latest exam by receiving a 93. Park’s classmates were stunned by the complete fucking wretch’s ability to maintain a cheerful tone despite her inevitably bleak future.

“I can’t believe how happy she is to see her job prospects disappear instantaneously,” whispered McKinsey-bound Brooke Lippman '18 to reporters. “I even saw her listening to music and buying tickets to a show in Boston next weekend. Her roommates say she’s even averaging eight hours of sleep—I guess some people just don’t care about the things that really matter.”

The admissions representatives responsible for accepting Park are likewise horrified, releasing the following statement: “As gatekeepers of Harvard College, we do our best to ensure that admitted students embody the values and principles of this institution. In order to avoid mistakes like Ms. Park in the future, we are actively working to enhance the admissions process.”

Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid William R. Fitzsimmons has already pinpointed one potential change, deciding to replace transcripts with just going ahead and asking teachers to rate an applicant's neuroticism. The admissions office has also added a work-life balance essay prompt with sample answers such as “What’s that?” “Haha, funny!” and “What life?”

At press time, Park was also somehow not groveling in self-pity after receiving second place in her singles' tennis match.