In a newly discovered theorem, Harvard math professor Noam
Elkies has found that Bill O'Reilly, host of the widely respected Fox News
program The O'Reilly Factor, is not factorable.

The proof, which took Elkies just hours to complete, was by
contradiction. ""Suppose O'Reilly is factorable,"" explained Elkies in his
algebraic topology class, ""this implies that there exists some integers x, y
such that x multiplied by y equals O'Relly. However, O'Reilly is in actuality
not a number, but a person. Thus, we have a contradiction, and O'Reilly is not
factorable.""

O'Reilly, whose credibility and ratings have taken a hit with
the discovery, offered his defense on his program last night. ""Listen folks, I
don't know who this math-pansy socialist thinks he is. I'm factorable. These
reports are coming from the haters on the far left. Just throw it in the
garbage. Fuck it. Fuck it! I'LL DO IT LIVE."" The host proceeded to divide
himself in half in an attempt to show that two is a factor of O'Reilly, dying
immediately.

Elkies, who became interested in the problem after upgrading
from an antenna to digital cable, plans to continue his exploits into the
mathematical analysis of cable news networks. His next two lectures, open for
all to attend, are entitled, ""Anderson Cooper 360 Actually in Radians"" and ""Wolf
Blitzer: Man or Beast?""