SatireV

Breaking

and entering

Increasingly Desperate Interdimensional Entity Attempts to Contact Local Student via Radiator

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Cambridge, MA—For the past two weeks, an interdimensional entity has been attempting to warn local student John Reyes of humanity’s impending doom by tapping out really loud and annoying messages on his radiator.

Using a combination of binary and Morse, the entity has conveyed long and complex algorithms that would allow humanity to escape the bounds of our solar system and find salvation in a distant Earth analog.

“It’s simple,” the entity had said at first, excitedly stroking the stalks of its many suction cup podia while tapping out new models of non-Euclidean spacetime onto John’s radiator. “Humans just need to travel through Minowski space,” it added. “I do it every day on my way to Zumba.” [or any inane human activity]

However, upon being ignored day after day, its attempts at making contact have grown more and more frenzied. Afraid it may not get its message across in time, the entity began using a ternary numeral system to convey its formulas once it learned that the radiator had the ability to loudly hiss as well.

John, trying to get sleep before his Primitive Navigation final, reacted to this new attempt by burying his head deeper into his pillow.

“I can’t think of any other ways I can get his attention!” said the entity, while nervously pacing back and forth in its four-dimensional Tesseract home.

After further contemplation, it added, “Maybe I’ll fuck with the water pressure in his shower.”

© 2014
Category: