If you are a Harvard student, odds are that at some point you have contemplated the benefits of being hit by a bus. Time off, an extension on class assignments, and, of course, bragging rights. It can’t get any better! 

Picture this: You’re late (again) to your 10:00 am lecture in the Science Center and just as you’re crossing Mass Ave—POW—the 10:08 bus to Somerville clocks you right in the kisser. How great does that sound?

However, it recently came to my attention that my nihilist fantasy may be fulfilled in a perverse, “be careful what you wish for” fashion: the Mather Express.

I have long dreamed of the cathartic release of a vehicle slamming into my body at 30 mph. As I stare into the face of oblivion, I will contemplate the mysteries of existence as I become one with the Void. But there is absolutely no way that I can enjoy the sweet, sweet bliss of unconsciousness if I am surrounded by a group of poor souls whose social event of the year is something that involves the word “lather.”

If you don’t live in Mather, first of all, congratulations. But also, you may be unaware of the fact that the Mather Express runs every 10 minutes from 8:20 am to 3:00 pm. Those are peak hours for getting hit by a bus. And with that level of regularity and shocking efficiency, there is an approximately 40 percent chance that the bus you are hit by is on its way to the Concrete Jungle.

Listen, I’m not picky. The Quad Yard Express? Perfect. Crimson Cruiser? Sounds good. Hell, I’ll even settle for whatever the fuck “Barry’s Corner” is. But I will throw myself in front of the Bon Me food truck before I even get close to that disaster of a transportation service. 

Image credit: Miles on the MBTA