Dear Members of the Harvard Community,

 

The number one priority at Harvard University Health Services (HUHS) is the health and safety of all members of our community. Unfortunately, it has never seemed to be among your top priorities. It's my job to keep all of you whiny little mumps-ridden shitheads safe, and I swear, if one of you brats eats a Tide Pod, SO HELP ME –

 

(Cool it, Paul. Think happy thoughts.)

 

Anyway, HUHS has recently come across the phenomenon of teenagers eating Tide Pods, the laundry detergent pods that you put in the washing machine to clean your clothes. Since it's apparently my responsibility to tell Harvard students obvious things, I am now telling you not to eat Tide Pods. Just like I told you to wash your hands frequently and not to share eating utensils during the first mumps outbreak. And the second one. And the third one. 

 

You know what? This is where I draw the line. I have set up shop in the Harvard Square CVS, and if I catch even one of you dipshits so much as sniffing a Tide Pod, you will RUE THE FUCKING DAY YOU EVER CAME TO –

 

(Happy thoughts, Paul. Disposing of used tissues. Covering your mouth when you cough. The permanent abolition of Mather Lather.)

 

Where were we? Oh, right – preventative measures. Everyone has to do their part to prevent public health hazards in our community. If you see someone joking about eating Tide Pods on Facebook, reply to the joke by commenting, "This is not funny. This is a public health hazard in our community." If you or someone you know has already consumed a Tide Pod, proceed immediately to HUHS for emergency care. Alternatively, proceed immediately to the Atlantic Ocean, and keep proceeding until you can't proceed anymore. Because if even one of you overprivileged fucks licks a ball of poisonous chemicals THAT YOU KNOW IS POISONOUS, YOU WILL REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR EVER-LOVING –

 

(Come on, Paul. One more line.)