SatireV

Breaking

and entering

Hey, I Think It’s Great You’re Sexiling Me, but I’m Fucking Dying

Hey! Could you, I don't know, let me in?

By your sexiled roommate

Hey, Ralph! It’s been so great being your roommate. I’m really excited to spend the rest of the year together! There’s just this one teeny-tiny thing I need to discuss with you. Oh, wait, no, it's not blocking! Yeah, haha, I'm blocking with my FOP friends. That's not even what I wanted to tell you.

Anyway, I know that you’re super excited to have your romantic night with Karen from LS1A, and I couldn’t be more thrilled that she has finally accepted your invitation to “pset and chill.” When you sent me a quick text asking if you guys could have some “alone time,” I was more than happy to resign our double for the evening. But I wasn’t aware that I left my inhaler in the room. It's really no big deal, I promise, but as I feel my bronchial tubes beginning to narrow, I’m starting to have a couple regrets. 

I get that you’re making moves on Karen. How could she resist your shaggy brown hair and bad boy aesthetic?  I can hear you playing guitar, and her laughter is like beautiful music to my ears. But what you might not realize is that my wet, wheezing coughs do not sound as beautiful. Do you really want to get it on to the sound of my wet, wheezing coughs?

Again, it's completely fine, but when I tried to peek my head in and make a run for my medical panacea, you glared at me so hard that I had to just leave. And I don't even care, honestly. It's just that I'm dying!

So if you wouldn't mind taking two minutes out seducing Karen to let me, like, live, that would be awesome. But hey, if that's inconvenient for you, forget I asked! It’s really no biggie. I’m sure I’ll be fine. And if I’m not, feel free to bring Karen into the common room, so long as you guys don’t mind the stench of my rotting corpse. Hope it goes great!

Image credit: Shutterstock

© 2018
Category: