Citing recent findings that Harvard students are needy little bitches, Harvard officials declared this morning that the University will replace all academic advisors with messenger bots that text students “You’re doing SO good, sweetie” every three seconds.
The decision occurred after the release of this year’s Crimson survey, which revealed that 89% of undergraduates have a dire need for unconditional affirmation.
“We originally assumed that Harvard students want advice from academics with vast disciplinary knowledge, impressive career accomplishments, and thorough understanding of Harvard’s academic guidelines.” said Provost Alan MD, PhD, Mallinckrodt Professor of Health Care Policy at Harvard Medical School, a Professor of Economics in the Faculty of Arts and Sciences, Professor of Public Policy in the Harvard Kennedy School of Government, and Professor in the Department of Health Policy and Management in the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health, in an interview.
“But actually, they just need someone to validate the shit out of them.” he explained.
During an initial pilot of the program, administrators discovered that the automated validation service was able to fill voids left unresolved by Fields Medalists, three-time Pulitzer Prize winners, and Astrophysics Ph.D.s. Provost Garber personally chose the message, texting students “awww bb,” “here for u <3 <3 <3,” and “life is hard :(((” before finally settling on the current script.
University officials hope to release an updated bot with additional functionalities in the Spring. In addition to unrelenting streams of affirmation, the new version will include consoling reminders that “no one understands Hegel,” as well as the link to all 17 inspiring Ira Glass quotes available on Goodreads.com.
