CAMBRIDGE - In a significant reshuffling of student health resources, Harvard University Health Services is planning to close Stillman Infirmary and replace it with a lone surgeon equipped only with a bottle of whisky and a surgical saw.
In an email sent out to UHS staffers last month, Director Paul J. Barreira unveiled the new plan, which will do away with the 10-bed infirmary and replace it with Civil War reenactor Lemuel R. Haverhill, a licensed medical professional who has carried out over 530 amputations over the past 40 years. "We feel that, with Dr. Haverhill's help, we will be able to better address the health needs of our student population. In the past, students visiting the infirmary during the night might have had to wait hours in order to be misdiagnosed. Now, depending on whether Dr. Haverhill is having the shakes or not, they will be misdiagnosed within minutes."
A further frequently cited problem with Stillman haS been uneven attendance. While for most nights of the semester, the infirmary had only been visited by one or two lonely students who just wanted to talk, there were several instances in which the inflow of patients dwarfed the low number of beds. In these cases, nurses were forced to discharge the healthiest patients, often by pushing them out the window.
Dr. Haverhill estimates that he will be able to double the efficiency of UHS. "I can do four times better, if I get a saw for each hand," he said from his office--a bloodstained canvas tent in Harvard Square. "Here, bite on this bullet, boy," he added to James Markell '18, whom he had strapped to the operating table in order to treat a high fever and cough. "You just need to bleed out those evil humors, and then we'll have you on your way."
According to Barreira, the decision to replace the infirmary with Dr. Haverhill's tent was in no way about money. "This was mostly not about money," he said.
Over the next semester, Stillman will operate jointly with Dr. Haverhill's practice in order to ensure a smooth transition. In the long run, Haverhill and the UHS staff hope to acquire an oven and some hot iron tongs to use for cauterization.
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