CAMBRIDGE, MA — Harvard Model Congress member Gregory L. Davis '20 was appalled last week to discover that the organization has an educational mission. The group—which sponsors weeklong retreats to Dubai, Hong Kong, and São Paulo—supposedly also teaches high school students about American government through congressional simulations.
Sources say that Davis found out after a board member gently suggested the ibuprofen consumption club cut down on staff expenditures to allocate more money to scholarships. The board swiftly rejected the proposal on a 12-0 vote before heading to Felipe's for HMC-sponsored margs.
Davis was shocked. "I can't believe some of our money actually contributes to education instead of funding nightclub outings, harbor cruises, and personalized bottles of Merlot," he said, reeling from the surprise. "I mean, I know we have those conference things, but I just assumed that they were shameless attempts to milk money out of high school students by invoking the Harvard name."
HMC's Chief of Staff, Emily P. Ensel '18, justified the board's "no" vote by arguing that staff expenditures are crucial to helping HMC retain the best members. "If we only funded an $800 flight to a exotic international destination and three nights at a five-star hotel including a decadent breakfast buffet, who would want to join our organization??" she questioned. "It's all for the good of the club."
Although the board decided not to allocate more money to help low-income students practice public speaking, Davis later became concerned that the scholarship fund would interfere with plans to buy new board Patagonias.
"If we're busy 'inspiring kids to spend their lifetime in public service' or whatever, how can we afford 'Better Sweater' 1/4th zips in Birch White, Magenta, AND Classic Navy?” he questioned. "Not to mention that BYOB yacht ride in Hong Kong?"
(Editor's Note: Except for public figures, the names in this and other Satire V articles are purely fictional, and any similarities to real-life individuals are purely coincidental.)
