Mark “The Scoop” Sabbert, Flyby’s premier inside man, is two drinks away from getting some great details for the Crimson’s Flyby Final Club survey.   Holding a bottle of Bombay Sapphire in his left hand, Sabbert struggles to open his notepad as he interviews a member of the Owl club.

“Oh god, I, I don’t, I don’t even know which club this is.  Hello?  Is this the SPEE?  SPEE CLUB?  No?  Oh.  Can I, CAN I ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS? HELLO?”

While the loud music and dim lighting are making it difficult for Sabbert to interview potential sources, Sabbert is nonetheless confident that his investigative journalism skills will uncover some eye-opening details about the final club scene.

“Many, many people know that the Owl is considered one of the nicest clubs, would you mind taking off your SHOES?” [Editor’s Note: Sabbert doesn’t remember asking this question, but a lacrosse player reported it to me this morning].

Final clubs are a controversial topic at Harvard, and Sabbert knows that his discoveries tonight will provide valuable insight to the University-wide discussion. 

Removing the straw from his nose, Sabbert mused: “Fuck! Fuck! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!”

At press time, Sabbert was lying unconscious outside “the Bee.”