CAMBRIDGE, MA - Harvard College freshman Adam Renner ‘23, native of Belmont, Massachusetts, wondered aloud if social life on campus ever improves or if all (male) undergrads reach a point in their college experience where they admit defeat and surrender to the cruel, relentless cycle of false hope and misery awaiting them inside the fiery gates of Hell between the hours of 9pm and 3am every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night.

“I know Harvard isn’t a big party school or anything,” said Renner, “but I had no idea of the horrific depths of the post-apocalyptic Hellish wasteland that now surrounds me, barren of any signs of life or fun.”   

Renner’s latest social exploits include getting lost on the way to an MIT frat that Renner’s friend Tim Steinberg ‘22 had assured him “always lets in freshmen guys sometimes” and attending a party in Canaday that was shut down within four minutes, despite providing no alcohol, music, or any other people.  

Renner, eyes glazing over, expressed confusion about how he is “expected to make it through four years of this vast, monotonous inferno.” Particularly demoralizing, he explains, was being turned away from eleven different pregames last weekend, the last one held in a dungeon several miles below Mather, and hosted by Hades, god of the underworld and punchmaster for several final clubs.

Final clubs, exclusive gangs of students who have banded together to survive in the catastrophic abyss that is the Harvard social experience, appear to be Renner’s last remaining option. But he expressed confusion when asked, on an unrelated note, if he plans to join any extracurriculars on campus: “I’m pretty sure you can’t join any clubs until sophomore year. Like, I’m not looking to get blacklisted.”

Regarding actual final clubs, Renner shares that he has met several male upperclassmen “in a final club called the Ninth Circle of Hell. They’ve officially given in to the horror and trauma and now they’re just chilling.”