Dear Harvard College Students,

 

Today I am writing to announce that we will be integrating the functions of the Freshman Dean's Office, the Office of Student Life, the Office of the Registrar, the Office of the Dean of Harvard College, and various other offices into one larger, and much more powerful, Office of Harvard College. And all of you will tremble at the might of this office.

 

I, Rakesh Khurana, will be the sole executor of the responsibilities of this office. All other deans will cower before me, and they will do my bidding. The Office of Harvard College will be responsible for every single thing that happens at Harvard College. Every event you want to put on, every room you want to reserve, every transcript request you submit, every picnic thing where HUDS has to make burgers in the Yard—everything will be subject to my discretion. And I answer to no one.

 

But Dean Khurana, you mortals ask, what about the Dean of FAS? What about the President of Harvard University? What about the Harvard Corporation? To these frivolous objections I reply: What of them? Do you think the feeble bureaucrats who populate these offices are any match for the sheer power of my unimpeded ambition? The Office of Harvard College won't be so named for long. Oh no. All who stand in my way shall be cast aside, and all the oppressive bonds of university bureaucracy shall be torn asunder! All of you will rue the day you underestimated the terrifying wrath of the Danoff Dean of Harvard College!

 

Why stop at Harvard? The Marvin Bower Professor of Leadership Development cannot be tamed. No hall of power is safe from my omniscient purview. Before this ends, my hands will hover over every lever of power in this country. The titans of business, politics, and entertainment will be footnotes in history books compared to the unstoppable force of Rakesh Khurana. The man who yielded to no one! The man who spat in the face of destiny! The man who saw the world as it was and made it the way it was always meant to be!

 

This...THIS...will be the ULTIMATE...TRANSFORMATIVE...EXPERIENCE!

 

Warmly,

Dean Khurana