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Harvard

Instructor-Student Sex Ban "Obviously" Doesn't Apply to Tenured Professors

Cambridge, MA—Following two weeks of numerous frantic calls and e-mails from professors, teaching fellows, and weirdly enthusiastic undergraduates, the Faculty of Arts and Sciences’ Committee on Sexual Misconduct Policies made a statement today that the ban on student-faculty sexual relationships announced this month “obviously” didn’t apply to professors with tenure.

Accidentally Deleted ‘B’ Leads to Dozens of Freshmen Comping Sheep Erotica Distributor

Cambridge, MA--- In Harvard’s biggest scandal since the editor of Simplicissimus referred to the Slavic Studies Department as “treacherous, communistic untermenschen,” a traumatized horde of freshmen, predominantly composed of skinny white guys wearing ironic t-shirts, was seen wandering around Harvard Square Sunday morning, shaking their heads and occasionally moaning, “Oh God, I thought only cows had udders,” after each of them had accidentally attempted to join the staff of The Harvard Lamb Poon, a student-run production company that has brought comfort to thousands of lonely rams and yo

Lamont Securitas Guard Wants to Check that Pocket, Too

LAMONT LIBRARY, Mass. — In a shocking new development, the Lamont Securitas guard has announced that he would like you to open the front-most pocket on your backpack, too.

Treebola Outbreak Spreads Rapidly through the Northeast

Cambridge, MA- The dreaded disease treebola has reached the United States. Health officials have urged the public not to panic, while emphasizing the severity of the crisis. “Several acres have reportedly been infected, the air around them has gotten chillier, and we have already begun to quarantine all infected trees in the region,“ said Dr. Margaret Chan of the World Health Organization. “We have never seen anything of this magnitude.”

Fox News Confirms Majority Of Harvard Students Seem To Have Paid Attention In History Class

Cambridge, MA--- A recent Fox News "Campus Reform" interview of Harvard students confirmed earlier this week that a majority of Harvard students do seem to have paid attention in history class at some point over the course of their lives.

The interview, which sought to determine if Harvard students thought America or ISIS is a greater threat to world peace, revealed unusually nuanced perspectives from students at one of the nation's top colleges, which indicated high levels of international history study and comprehension.  

The Smith Campus Center, One Year Later

Cambridge, MA- Almost one year ago, students awoke to a transformed world. The Holyoke Center, the beloved home of everything from university offices to university offices, was renamed the Richard A. and Susan F. Smith Campus Center, beginning an ambitious renovation project to transform the building into a social hub for students. Now, almost a year into the project, students are finally seeing the results of the renovation, and they love it.

Folklore and Myth Concentrator Excited to Begin Thesis on "The Female Orgasm"

Cambridge, MA- Folklore and Mythology concentrator Vince Willendorf has recently expressed excitement for senior year and beginning of his largest academic project to date.
 
"Folklore and Myth has just taught me so much. It's exciting to apply my learning to the modern myths of our day" said Willendorf. "Like El Chupacabra and the Yeti, the 'Female Orgasm" is a superstition still believed in some areas of the world."
 

Non-Sociopaths Still Underrepresented at Harvard

Cambridge, MA- Despite efforts to increase diversity at the college, Harvard’s most recent admissions report suggests that people capable of empathy continue to be underrepresented in the incoming Class of 2017. Although sociopaths make up less than 1% of the U.S population, they accounted for 54% of this years admitted students.

College Shuts off Water, Electricity Over Spring Break

Cambridge, MA-- In an effort to add to the savings accrued during HUDS’ spring break closing, Harvard financial officers have reportedly ordered the shutdown of all College utilities for the duration of the week.

Sophomore Sets Record for Number of VES Classes He Has Been Rejected From

Cambridge, MA--- Still in the midst of shopping week, Harvard sophomore Tom Stepps has been rejected from three hundred and fifty seven classes in the VES department. “I thought if I applied to a bunch of them and had a decade of hands-on experience and interest in the visual arts, I could get in,” explained Stepps, “but clearly I should have thought more carefully in the interview about which films have inspired me most.”

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