By Drew Gilpin Faust

Dear Members of the Harvard Community, 

Many of you have heard about an incident that occurred Thursday morning in lower Manhattan involving interactions between the The Goldman Sachs Group, Inc. and an esteemed university president. Many of you are understandably confused. You do not yet know all the facts. So let me tell you one: I will be able to fill an Olympic-sized swimming pool with Sacagawea coins and use the leftovers to buy a Six-Flags water slide.

By Drew Faust

Dear Members of the Harvard Community, 

As many of you know, today I accepted a job sitting on the Board of Directors at Goldman Sachs. Subsequently, I have received much criticism for supposedly contradicting my statements that condemned the current state of the financial system in the United States. 

For example, I have noted that the financial crisis took a significant toll on so many, including members of our own community. But, if it makes you feel any better, I’m getting paid a fuckton amount of money. 

Thomas Crompton, 57, has abandoned his lucrative position within the Goldman Sachs investment banking firm, given away his home and possessions, and redistributed has massive fortune, shortly after being exposed to Mark Pfister’s 1992 children’s classic, The Rainbow Fish, for the very first time.