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Breaking

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Fulfilling Scriptures, Pumpkin Spice Latte Returns

The Pumpkin Spice Latte, it shall be adored and sipped slowly because it is kind of really hot.

THE FRAPTURE -- Signaling the End of Days and also the beginning of autumn, today the Pumpkin Spice Latte returned in fulfillment of the scriptures.

"Lo, kneel before your God," said the Pumpkin Spice Latte as it descended from the heavens and landed next to a strip mall Starbucks. Passersby were frozen in their tracks as they took in the awesome sight of the Latte.

"I have been worshiping the PSL for many years, and now I can worship directly at its feet," said Starbucks customer Owen O'Neill. "I'm also considering getting a chocolate croissant too because I skipped breakfast and I'm kind of hungry."

At a press conference, President Barack Obama urged people not to panic. "The Latte's return does not mean we have to abandon all earthly government," said Obama. "But personally, I'm getting the hell out of here. Peace."

The Pumpkin Spice Latte spent most of the day pardoning its devotees and damning Dunkin' Donuts customers to eternal hell. "So it was written, so it shall be," said the Pumpkin Spice Latte to gawking onlookers. "But you still have the chance to upgrade to Venti if you are so inclined."


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