GAINESVILLE, FL –– At a frat house gathering of Florida’s manliest men, local bro Chad “Papa Bear” Chetsky was horrified that his bro-shake lasted just a moment too long.

“The night started off so well. Me and Brad Bretsky had just won a round of pong, so we went in for a bro-shake,” Chetsky relayed wistfully, with the glint of extinguished hope in his watery eyes. “I really like Brad, he’s really great. Like, not in that way, that’s not what I meant. Like he’s cool. Really easy to talk to. Not like, too easy to talk to. Don’t tell Brad I said that. Is it really hot in here? I feel like I’m sweating.”

Chetsky sighed and turned his gaze to the ground. “Anyway, that was when everything fell apart. I clutched his hand, which was so soft and tender, and gazed into his eyes, which I didn’t know were the pristine color of a cerulean ocean. Wait no, fuck, not an ocean, just like blue. Whatever. After several seconds of staring, I realized that our hands were still interlaced. But by then, it was already too late.”

He wiped his teary eyes with his Vineyard Vines sweatshirt and continued, “Some girl came up to me afterwards and told me that she didn’t know Brad and I were ‘such good friends.’ What does that mean? Like WHAT DOES THAT MEAN????? Do you know her name? Can I just like… let her know it’s not like that?”

Shortly after the fateful shake, Chetsky could be seen leaning against a wall, whimpering “I forgot to say no homo…” 

Frat brother Dag Detsky, Pledge Class of ‘17, witnessed the tragic event. “It was totally gruesome. One or two seconds, no big deal. But the third second is basically a blowjob. One time I bro-hugged someone for four seconds dude. I literally orgasmed. It was nasty.”

In the latter half of the night, Chetsky publically announced that he had chugged three handles of vodka, had hooked up with all Delta Delta Delta sorority members in the state of Florida, and had torn up seventeen pictures of Ryan Gosling, because he’s “mad gay.”

The entire LGBT community has declined to comment.