Cambridge, MA- The dreaded disease treebola has reached the United States. Health officials have urged the public not to panic, while emphasizing the severity of the crisis. “Several acres have reportedly been infected, the air around them has gotten chillier, and we have already begun to quarantine all infected trees in the region,“ said Dr. Margaret Chan of the World Health Organization. “We have never seen anything of this magnitude.”

In the wake of reports of Ebola in American cities, Harvard University Health Services has "stepped up its game in the fight against Ebola." 

According to UHS Chief Dr. Paul Barreira, UHS is now actively offering free Cold Kits to any students who report "soreness, congested sinuses, or bleeding from multiple orifices."

According to Barreira, the Cold Kits are meant to help provide a "first line of defense" against Ebola, a virus that "can really hamper both academic and extracurricular performance."