Each Easter, America buys 700 million of my marshmallow friends, and 699 million of us meet a slow and painful death in a microwave. 22 billion precious calories are lost to the radioactive wasteland of microwaves every year. Enough is enough. We've been too sweet to you people.

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a Facebook post released to his friends and family late last evening, area man Walter Logan announced his ambitious plans to give up Lent this year. 

"After I forgot about Ash Wednesday and the gray smudge thing I was supposed to put on my forehead, I figured I might as well scrap the whole enterprise," Logan said, tweeting his decision while eating a bar of chocolate and chainsmoking his way through a pack of Marlboros.