BOSTON, MA- In a controversial play that decided Game Six of the 2013 World Series, Red Sox first baseman Mike Napoli’s beard was called for obstruction. With the bases loaded in the top of the ninth, Cardinals left fielder Matt Holliday visibly shied away from Napoli’s gargantuan beard. First base umpire Jim Joyce signaled an obstruction call, allowing all runners to advance and the Cardinals to score what would become the winning run.

CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to numerous reports, students received an e-mail notification at 4:31 PM yesterday alerting them of the Boston Tea Party. “Between 7:07 and 10:25pm on a Thursday approximately 12,492 weeks ago, a domestic terror cell calling itself the ‘Sons of Liberty’ commandeered a civilian merchant vessel and destroyed its cargo,” the message, titled “Harvard Alert,” read in part. A follow-up “Message Me” text notification went on to say that no immediate threat related to the attack was identified on campus at any point in the last 240 years.

Deval City, MA—Speaking from behind the wall of his snow fort in Boston Common, Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick announced the re-establishment of the vehicle ban instated during the last winter storm. “As of this very second,” Patrick announced “any non-emergency services driver found on Massachusetts roads will be subject to fines of not less than $15,000 or 10 years imprisonment.

On the morning of Monday, October 22^nd, two armed men in a vehicle drove by an adult entertainment store and reportedly launched a rocket-propelled grenade into the shop, killing two regulars and a store clerk, and also injuring Boston Mayor Menino.  As Bostonians wait to hear news of their mayor, who is expected to make a full physical recovery, new details have emerged about the attacks.