CAMBRIDGE, MA – Paramedics rushed to Lamont Library last night after security guard Janice P. Hopper suffered her sixth unchecked bag-induced panic attack of 2018.

“My New Year’s resolution was to stop worrying so much,” Hopper said as she was carted out on a stretcher. “But with each unchecked bag that passed under my gaze, my fingers would twitch, my blood pressure would spike, and all I could think of was how many rare copies of The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz were hidden in the dark recesses of the least accessible pocket of that bag.”