CUPERTINO, CA- Since introducing its new Measure app in June, Apple has successfully obtained the dick size of every man in America, a spokeswoman for the tech giant announced on Friday.

“It was quite simple, really,” Kathryn Eiss, Apple’s Chair of Public Relations, told reporters. “We were hanging out in Cupertino just shooting the shit, and Monique from accounting was like, ‘I wonder what the real average American dick size is.’ Well, we put our engineers to work on the project right away, but even we couldn’t have guessed how successful it would be.”

Every single day, we are bombarded with images depicting beauty: on buses and billboards; across social media accounts and magazine covers; in commercials and music videos. Society's perception of the norm of beauty has reached an unattainable - even impossible - level of perfection. We all know what I'm referring to: the iPhone 7 Plus.

LOS ANGELES, CA - After Apple Music’s new promotional video “Taylor Vs. Treadmill” was met with a large amount of comments, views, and shares, Ms. Swift decided she needed to reassert her control of the situation – a control which she did not have when sliding headfirst off the moving exercise machine.

UNITED STATES, EARTH – Following a denial to share information with the US Government, Apple CEO Tim Cook commented that “he really wasn’t ready to open up” about the company and country's relationship. “Nothing’s official yet, but if we were in a Facebook relationship - which we AREN’T - it would be ‘it’s complicated.’” A source close to the issue said that "they've been running in circles for a while; they aren't that great about talking about things, but there's a whole lot of texts."

AMERICA – In an announcement expected to completely transform the landscape of the tech industry and beyond, Apple CEO Tim Cook has confirmed rumors that he is, in fact, a rich white man. Working in a business world plagued by women and minorities, Tim Cook stands out as a beacon of hope for affluent white males everywhere.